Why I don't like the Nuggets right now

I was born in the last 30 years, so I had to rent the really cool war movies that had very little historical accuracy but a whole lot of macho-palling-around-and-blowing-shit-up scenes. I'm thinking Kelly's Heroes and The Guns of the Navarone, both of which would have been sweet in the theater. And they're the perfect date movies for the girl you might like but you need to test first. "Yeah baby, we're gonna go see The Guns of the Navarone. Trust me, you'll love it." Or, "This movie has Don Rickles as a soldier - it doesn't get any better than that."

But I count myself lucky nonetheless because the Denver Nuggets are their own tongue-in-cheek WWII pal movie. Melo is the young captain with little experience but a whole lot of gumption. A.I. is the cocky major who lets the young captain think he's in charge until the shit hits the fan. Camby is the savvy expert in weapons or explosives or cliff climbing. He does his one thing well and without him, the Nazis would surely kill everyone in the first 30 minutes. Kenyon Martin is the muscle - know what I'm sayin? JR Smith is the impulsive youngster who might botch the whole mission, but might just as likely be the savior. And then there's the shifty foreigners - Kleiza and Najera - who you sort of don't trust even though they do just enough to keep them on the mission. Coach Karl is the crotchety old general that the soldiers love even though he's drunk most of the time and misses crucial bits of information that would make the mission less dangerous. And there are a couple of other guys who don't really do or say anything in the whole movie; they just kind of show up every few scenes.

Every time I hit the Pepsi Center for a game, it's like I get to see Von Ryan's Express on the big screen. Only, this particular war movie sucks. Why? Because the zany commandos don't even fucking make it to the Nazis' secret underground lair. They're still trying to convince the greasy boat operator to take them to the lair in the middle of the night. Damnit people, when you're more than halfway through the movie, you better be scouting the enemy's camp. Otherwise, you won't have enough time to blow it up and make your cool getaway. Who wants to watch a buddy war movie where the pals all get stuck at the warf because they couldn't catch a ride? Ridiculous. Ridiculous I say again.

These guys better figure it out quick. If they don't, nothing will explode, there will be no heroes, and for damn sure nobody's getting laid.

"Hey Clint, think I'll get an Oscar nod for this one?"